Dear Adriana

Dear Adriana,

I believe your email was sent to me in error as I am certain we have never been facebook friends. While it is true I would delete anyone with such an appalling lack of social skills -- really, women who have just met don't broach subjects like that until after a second bottle of pinot grigio -- I would definitely remember your utter disregard for the English language. A second grader, even one of the dimmer ones, could outclass that pitiful, mostly punctuation free, stream of semi-consciousness you sent me about your home-based web business.

Based on your writing alone, I am not surprised your boyfriend broke up with you, even if you are, as you say, "a super horny gurl." FYI "girl" is spelled with an "i".  I will say I am relieved to know you have a cat. Hopefully BOO can provide you with some measure of purpose in what appears to be an otherwise shallow and trite existence.

I also don't think you should tell people your astrological sign. I mean really, Virgo? In the context of your email, it is impossible to see anything but irony in that declaration.

I feel I must also point out that it is passé to lie so extravagantly about your age.  You say you're 23, but your URL clearly says 1975. It's not like everyone won't know the difference when they click on the link. I know what a 39 year old woman looks like. I see one naked every morning when I get out of the shower. In case you've missed it, like you missed spell check, it's called fucking gravity.

So thanks for your VIP password, but I'll take a pass. I also have no interest in helping you "move your shit", nor "hookin' you up with a jbo". I suggest you stay wherever you live currently and use that "dam lapotp" to bring knowledge into your living space, instead of using it to transmit spam and video of your old ass into the world.

Sincerely,

Never Your Facebook Friend