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| Photo: Calgary Herald |
The Harper Conservatives have pledged to launch a police hotline to report "barbaric cultural practices" should they be reelected. This is despite Canada already have a national 24/7 hotline, 911, for reporting emergencies and crimes, barbaric or otherwise. It got me thinking about what those calls would sound like. In my head it sounded like a topic that needed to be explored all the way to absurdity.
Operator: Thank you for calling the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline, this is Jenny, how can I help you?
Caller: Hi Jenny, I'm riding the number seven bus and the man across the aisle from me has a throat and face tattoos. He looks really scary.
Operator: Hmmm. That wasn't in our training. I'm going to put you on hold while I look at the caller manual. It's our first day.
[Pause]
Operator: Hi there, I'm back. I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the caller manual about face tattoos. Apparently it is not a barbaric cultural practice.
Caller: What do you mean face tattoos are not a barbaric cultural practice? I mean, these are life choices that can seriously damage his ability to be a productive member of our society. He's got cobwebs and teardrops on his face. On his face! I bet he got them in jail. He looks dangerous.
Operator: Hi there, I'm sorry, but there's nothing in the manual about this, but let me ask a few more questions. There may be something else. Does he look like a foreigner? Is he wearing foreign clothes?
Caller: No. He looks like a scary redneck in a wife-beater.
Operator: A wife-beater? Is there a woman with him? Is she oppressed into covering her face?"
Caller: No. He's all alone, but the "Fear" in the "No Fear" tattoo on his throat is spelled with two Es. I can see it really clearly. He's looking right at me.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's nothing in the caller manual about tattoos, misspelled or otherwise.
Caller: Uh oh. He's coming towards me. He looks angry. Jenny, I gotta go. I think I need 911.
[End call]
Operator: Thank you for calling the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline, this is Jenny, please report your barbaric cultural practice.
Caller: Hello Jenny. Two young men showed up at my door this morning and they wanted me to join a cult.
Operator: Oh my, that sounds serious. Were they members of ISIS?
Caller: How would I know?
Operator: Did they sound like they were from the middle east? Did they have long beards? Black pajama-like clothing?
Caller: No. They sounded like they were from here. They had on crisp white shirts and black trousers. Ties. They were clean shaven and had short hair.
Operator: Well, they could have been in disguise. What did they say?
Caller: They asked me if I could spare a moment to talk about our Lord Jesus Christ. They were very insistent.
Operator: Hmmm. Let me do a quick key-word search of the caller manual. Hold please.
[Pause]
Operator: Hi there, I searched the caller manual and the words "Lord", "Jesus" and "Christ" didn't appear, so this is definitely not a barbaric cultural practice.
Caller: Hey, I worked a 12-hour back-shift and had just gotten to sleep. Those jerks woke me up and told me if I didn't embrace Jesus I'd burn in Hell. That's barbaric!
Operator: Sorry sir. Your complaint isn't in the manual. I hope you get some rest.
[End call]
Operator: Thank you for calling the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline, this is Jenny, do you have a barbaric cultural practice to report?
Caller: HELP ME, JENNY, MY NEIGHBOUR IS AN EVIL MONSTER!
Operator: Oh my, this sound serious! I want you to take a couple deep breaths to calm yourself. You're safe with us.
[Pause]
Caller: Thank you, that feels better.
Operator: So tell me, what is your neighbour doing?
Caller: He's having a pig roast next weekend!
Operator: Are you of a religion that doesn't eat pork? Is this why you're reporting this?
Caller: Religion? No! I'm a vegan! PETA SAYS MEAT IS MURDER!
Operator: I'm sorry. I think you missed the intent of this hotline. This is for barbaric cultural practices and a backyard pig roast doesn't qualify.
Caller: MEAT IS A BARBARIC CULTURAL PRACTICE YOU MONSTER!
[End call]
Operator: Thank you for calling the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline. Jenny here, do you have an actual barbaric cultural practice to report?
Caller: Yes I do! My granddaughter and I are waiting to get into the Justin Beiber concert and there are half-naked teenage girls everywhere. I mean some of them are wearing belts instead of skirts.
Operator: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't believe a lack of clothing qualifies as a barbaric. The manual only speaks to overly covered up as culturally barbaric.
Caller: It most certainly a barbaric practice! This is Canada. Do you have any idea how cold it is tonight? It's freakin' freezing outside. These girls are going to catch their deaths! And the shoes! My granddaughter says they are called "stripper stillies". If they keep wearing them, they are sure to have no end of foot and back problems when they're older.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's nothing in the manual about stripper stillies. Enjoy the concert though.
Caller: Are you [expletive] kidding me?
[End call]
Operator: Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline, Jenny here, do you have an actual real barbaric cultural practice to report?
Caller: Yo Jenny, I sure do. It's a crime not just against Canadians, but the core values of the Canadian way of life.
Operator: That sounds like exactly the type of thing we're here for. Please go on.
Caller: I just found out there's a Justin Beiber concert here tonight. I need you to make it stop before he destroys our Canadian legacy of musical excellence. The Band. Neil Young. We are the home of Rush!
Operator: I'm sorry, the Beiber is not in the caller manual.
Caller: What about Nickelback? Nickelback is playing here next month.
Operator. Sorry. Still no.
[End call]
Operator: Hello, this is Jenny at the Barbaric Cultural Practices Hotline, do you have something culturally barbaric to report?
Caller: Hi Jenny, I want to report someone for creating promotional material that uses images and video of ISIS executions. These are horrific acts. People were tortured - slaughtered - on camera and now they are being exploited again to spread fear and distrust.
Operator: Well, that's exactly why this anonymous hotline exists. We are here for you. Tell me all about it.
Caller: It was in a 2015 federal election ad paid for by the Conservative Party of Canada.
[End call]
Operator: This is Jenny, do you have a barbaric cultural practice to report? A real one?
Caller: PIGS ARE PEOPLE TOO, YOU MONSTER!!!
[End call]
Operator: Jenny speaking, do you have a barbaric cultural practice to report? One that involves an actual oppressed minority group.
Caller: Hi Jenny, why, yes, yes I do.
Operator: That's great! Lay it on me.
Caller: There are over 1,000 murdered and missing aboriginal women in this country and the government refuses to take action. It's like when it comes to women they don't care about anything other than niqabs.
Operator: Let me put you on hold while I perform a key-word search for "missing and murdered aboriginal women" in the caller manual.
[Pause]
Operator: Hi, I'm back. There were no instances of "aboriginal", women or otherwise, in the caller manual. There were over a two dozen instances of "niqab", though.
Caller: Hi Jenny. In that case, I'd like to report that hundreds of aboriginal women are missing. I believe they all want the right to wear niqabs while receiving public services.
Operator: I'm sorry. I don't understand.
Caller. Well it's like this. Given the uproar two niqab-wearing women can cause, the government will surely want to locate these missing women immediately and liberate them from oppression. Or take away their services. Either way, their families will finally know where they are.
[Pause]
Caller: Hello? Are you still there?
