Everything you wanted to know, but were afraid to ask about lobsters

So as you all know, I spent the bulk of my formative years working in seafood restaurants. So here's what you need to know about lobsters:

1. Pick the dirtiest, meanest, most barnacled lobsters in the tank. Lobsters get bigger by growing a new shell under their old one. When there's no more room, the old one lets go and the new shell puffs up with water and hardens. The older the shell, the more wear it shows and the fuller it will be on the inside. The body also has an ever deepening line from nose to end (it hinges when it comes off) as it ages, look for a line. The pretty, clean lobsters have new shells and are full of water and not much meat.
2. True to gender stereotype, boys have big claws and a narrow tail (and two hard feelers at the base of the tail that touch to form a point). Girls have small claws and a wide tail (and soft feelers under the tail.
3. The green stuff is liver, also called tomalley. It is also green when raw, but runnier. The red stuff is roe. It is black when raw. Both are edible either way, though only my Asian customers showed any gusto for it raw. ("You can bring it to the table when it's done twitching.")
4. There is nothing poisonous in the body of a lobster. That is a myth. However, the stomach is in the body and it should be avoided (like all other pre-chewed food), so don't eat the opaque plastic-looking sack behind the eyeballs. Also don't eat the lungs, they are the feathery looking bits. Not toxic, but not good.
5. Despite this other enduring myth, dairy and lobster are fine to consume together. Lobster chowder, anyone? Well unless you're eating kosher, and then mixing dairy and flesh should be less of a concern than the fact that lobster is not kosher, period. 
6. Lobsters don't scream. Whoever says that is f*cking with you.
7. Lobsters will hang on to anything that ends up in their claw. If it's your body part, rip that arm off the lobster (you're killing it momentarily). One claw is very sharp and the other claw is very strong and no good comes of the panicked struggle to pry either off. Unless you count the amusement of your coworkers, and they're @ssholes who can find their own amusement. Especially when they tell you to rip the arm off after the fact.
8. Cook lobsters in salt water. Ocean water is best, but iodized salt and tap water will do fine. Just make sure it tastes like the ocean. Yes it's high in sodium, but if you're going there, it's also high in cholesterol and you're going dip it in melted butter and eat it with a side of potato salad. 
9. Bring a big pot of salt water to a rolling boil, take the elastics of a lobster, throw it in the pot head first. Repeat. When the water returns to boil, time 8 minutes a pound.

I'll make a video on how to crack a lobster with a knife next time I have lobster. Till then, carry on carry on with crackers or a hammer. Food you work for tastes best.