Protect our coastlines, Halman, not your donors

The Coastal Hazard Map showing former Halifax mayor's new house underwater in 2100 

Environment Minister Tim Halman says he knows what the 39,000 coastal property owners who didn't respond to a $100,000 survey about the Coastal Protection Act think. When questioned, Halman said "I interpret that vacuum, that gap as [people saying] 'Leave us alone. This isn't something that we're interested in.'" The act, which originally passed in 2019 with the support of all three parties underwent two previous rounds of public consultation and received outspoken support from Nova Scotians and municipal governments.

To say that silence means public dissent is utterly ludicrous. Especially when we've had so many recent examples of public dissent. Petitions are public dissent. Picketing in front of Province House is public dissent. Blocking roads, highways, and bridges is public dissent. People chaining themselves to trees and heavy equipment is public dissent. Occupying Ottawa for weeks was public dissent. If anything can be interpreted from a two percent response rate on a survey in round three of public consultation it is agreement, not dissent.

As stated in the CBC, all publicly available evidence about the Coastal Protection Act is strongly in favour of its proclamation. If there's evidence so overwhelmingly against the act that it has to be scrapped, something Halman states his Tory colleagues confirm, then surely this information should be immediately released to support the position of the government. 

Tim Houston said he has faith that people, when provided with the information about sustainable development, will make the right choices on their own. This too, is utterly ludicrous. If putting the right information in the hands of people will lead them to make the right decisions no one would ever smoke. No one would drink and drive. No one would break the law. We could abolish the police, the courts, and the jails. Our healthcare system wouldn't be overwhelmed, because preventable diseases would not exist. 

If providing people with the information to make the right choices worked, there would be no climate emergency and no need for the Coastal Protection Act. 

But that's not the world we live in. 

Putting information into the hands of people and trusting them to make good decisions only works for the people who want to make good decisions. It does nothing to stop the people who, despite being given all the information to make good decisions, choose to make bad decisions anyway. This is what will pit neighbour against neighbour. Look no further than the public dissent regarding the construction of former Halifax mayor Peter Kelly's waterfront home. This coastal build was subject to litigation from neighbours concerned about the destruction of ecosystems and being deprived of public access to a public beach. Kelly's house is a perfect example of how providing the information to people to make informed choices does not work. According to the Coastal Protection Map, Kelly's house is underwater in 2100. 

The refusal to proclaim the act will also place a burden on municipalities, who will now be forced to implement their own coastal building by-laws, largely without the funds, staffing, or expertise to do so.  

I call on Houston, Halman, and the rest of the Tory caucus: if the evidence shows that Nova Scotians are overwhelmingly in favour of scrapping the Coastal Protection Act, publicly release that information. Demonstrate that three rounds of public consultation and the wishes of the municipalities are wrong. Otherwise, do your job and protect our coastlines and our people and proclaim the Coastal Protections Act.

If you would like to contact Halman about what you do think about the Coastal Protection Act, here is his contact information. 

Phone: 902-469-7353

Fax: 902-469-7351

E-mail: timhalmanmla@gmail.com (yes, it's a gmail account)

Why is Karen Oldfield still interim CEO of NS Health and other questions to ask while our healthcare tanks

Communications Nova Scotia

On September 1, 2021, the provincial government announced that Karen Oldfield was appointed "Interim CEO" of the Nova Scotia Health Authority (NSHA). Oldfield, an unemployed lawyer and PC party faithful with zero experience in health care, replaced physician CEO Brendan Carr and a 14-person volunteer board of directors. The outgoing CEO and any of the board members were, by nearly any measure, more qualified for the position of CEO of NSHA than Oldfield. 

In an interview with the CBC, Oldfield stated that "while she may not have a health-care background, she came into her job with the experience of caring for a husband who requires regular trips to the hospital for dialysis and other treatments." Respectfully, saying you're qualified to run the provincial healthcare system because you've helped someone else use it is like saying you know how to run a restaurant because you've taken your kids to Wendy's a bunch of times.

Tim Houston's PC government was elected on the promise of fixing healthcare. Nearly a year and a half into Houston's government, healthcare is worse than it has ever been. Nearly 13 per cent of Nova Scotians don't have a family doctor. Nova Scotians are dying waiting for ambulances that don't come and they're dying in emergency rooms waiting for care.

All the while the government takes victory laps for a virtual care program that can service minor health complaints at a maximum rate of 1,000 appointments per week for the 129,000 Nova Scotians without doctors. A number that has nearly doubled since Houston's government took office. Additional laps are given for mobile health clinics that service two communities a week in Nova Scotia that can also only service minor health complaints and the eight physician assistants, three of whom evidently already worked here and a bunch of hospital improvements that were started under the last government and largely paid for by rich donors.

When Houston's government was elected, the vast majority of people in all of HRM, West Hants and Eastern Shore/Musquodoboit had doctors. Now these areas make up nearly half of the physician wait list. The Memorial Hospital on the Eastern Shore has no emergency room for the entire month of January. The Houston government eliminated the cash incentive for physicians relocating to these areas in some misguided effort to recruit doctors to more rural areas. I kindly say misguided, because thinking a physician will consider relocation rural Nova Scotia, because Halifax isn't eligible for a subsidy is stupid. There are definite merits to both urban and rural life. For a physician who wants an urban life and has massive debt to pay, they'll pick another province or another country where they can live in the environment they want. To be clear, it's us that's over a barrel, not them. To treat physicians like it's the other way around is a very unserious take from a government that only pretends to be serious.

In 2020, opposition leader Tim Houston demanded an inquiry into the 52 Covid-19 deaths in Northwood that occurred in the first month of the pandemic under the leadership of the previous Liberal government. Premier Tim Houston's government has witnessed a Northwood's worth of Covid-19 deaths every month for over a year now, more than 600 dead. Houston's unserious response to Covid-19 since April 2021 is to "get back out there!"

It's an unserious act to all healthcare professionals, including any we're trying to recruit, to fire a highly qualified CEO and competency-based board of directors and replace them with an individual with no experience and without competition. Oldfield, just like the two "personal friends" Houston appointed to head two crown agencies at $1,500 a day, is a very unserious appointment. 

It's a very unserious government that demands more money from the feds while insisting strings aren't necessary. Strings that are absolutely needed by this government that won't even answer to its own legislature about how it spends our money. That won't say how much hospital improvements will cost. That released a healthcare plan without timelines or targets. That appointed an unqualified "interim" CEO who is still in the position over a year later. An interim CEO under whom the quality of care in Nova Scotia has tanked all the while pledging that she'd swear on a bible that everything that has broken since she took over will be magically fixed by 2025, just when her boss needs our votes to stay in power.

Thank you for visiting VirtualCareNS. Better luck tomorrow, suckers!

"When I say 'this team will fix the healthcare crisis,' I mean it." 

Tim Houston, August 17, 2021

(Election Day)

"Yeah. Fix is a very subjective word."

Tim Houston, April 22, 2022,

"...we were also clear that it would probably get worse before it gets better."

Tim Houston, June 16, 2022

For certain, Tim Houston nailed the last one. Things have gotten worse.  

Things have gotten much worse.    

One of Houston's first acts in making things worse was to fire the physician CEO and 14 volunteer-members of the board of directors of Nova Scotia Health and replace them with long-time PC party faithful, Karen Oldfield, a lawyer with zero healthcare experience as "interim" CEO. Firing the doctor CEO cost Nova Scotians $400,000. That’s approximately one year’s salary for 1.5 physicians or five nurses.

More than a year later Oldfield is still “interim” CEO. In an interview with the CBC, Oldfield stated that "while she may not have a health-care background, she came into her job with the experience of caring for a husband who requires regular trips to the hospital for dialysis and other treatments." 

How the reporter kept a straight face is a mystery. Saying you're qualified to run the provincial healthcare system because you've helped someone else use it is like saying you know how to run a restaurant because you've taken your kids to Wendy's a bunch of times. 

I donated a kidney to one sibling and held medical power of attorney for another. I, too, have spent endless hours in hospital, but in terms of work experience, that doesn't make me qualified to be a receptionist in a doctor's office, let alone a senior healthcare official.

Oldfield said, "I have lived this system for a long time. I know the technology problems.

"I know when the parking [garage] arm doesn't go up. I know when the parking lot hasn't been plowed … I want nothing more than to get some of this stuff fixed."

Respectfully, Karen, there are bigger problems afoot here than hospital parking lots. You are one of them. You didn’t get to be CEO because of your prowess in healthcare administration obtained by osmosis, you are there precisely because you’re not a physician and you’ll do exactly what you’re told. 

That said, Oldfield is just a spy in the ointment. The biggest problem is that there’s not nearly enough ointment. In June 2021, 66,404 Nova Scotians needed a doctor. Today, 116,000 Nova Scotians need one. That’s one-in-10 Nova Scotians who are either clogging up our ERs, lurking like scavengers outside our remaining walk-in clinics trying to beat the daily cutoff, or forgoing care all together. 

One thing that the majority of Nova Scotians without doctors aren't doing is using VirtualCareNS that was touted as an interim solution. With 150-200 virtual appointments a day–a maximum of 1,000 appointments a week–and a patient pool of 116,000, the odds of getting an appointment are slimmer than getting tickets to see Shania Twain. 

Having repeatedly tried to book a virtual care appointment without success, I emailed VirtualCareNS this morning to ask what time of day appointments are made available. The only response I received was an auto-reply with a list of frequently asked questions, none of which explained when those 150-200 appointments are tossed to the physicianless masses every day. 

The email did tell me to plan ahead and book in advance so my prescriptions don't run out. My wonderful former doctor, who closed her practice this July, prescribed me a year's worth of refills. Perhaps by the time those run out, I might be able to secure myself a virtual appointment. I will be long overdue for my yearly lady-parts examination by then. Maybe I should get one of those phones that folds in half for a more comfortable fit in case that appointment is conducted virtually too. 

Update! VirtualCareNS email me back and it's absolute nonsense.

Killer job, Houston. Literally.

Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston
Photo credit: Government of Nova Scotia

On Wednesday, Premier Tim Houston and Chief Medical Officer Robert Strang held what Houston proposed may be the last COVID-19 press conference. 

Houston tone was upbeat as he announced the upcoming removal of all public health measures. The positive delivery was helped in no small measure by the failure of Houston or Strang to acknowledge the 25 Nova Scotians who have died of covid since the last press conference two weeks ago. 

Houston said there comes a point where the impact of restrictions outweigh the benefits. Presumably, by benefits he means the continued support of the people who voted for his government in with the expectation of lifted restrictions. It seems of little public health benefit to promise to eliminate the very simple protective measure of masking when we we still have a positivity rate above 10 per cent, and especially to do so before seeing what happens after we increase capacity limits on March 7th.

Houston says the pace at which we are moving is right for our situation and our province. Coincidentally, it's also exactly what conservative premiers in other provinces are doing to placate their voter bases, even though hospitals across the country are still full of covid-infected patients and death counts rise daily. 

It begs the parental question, if Kenney, Moe, Higgs, and Ford jumped off a bridge, would Houston cannonball after them?  

Yesterday, still angry with public health measures being replaced with that ol' conservative blame shifter "personal responsibility," I downloaded the covid data from the Health Canada website. I wanted to compare covid outcomes under the previous Liberal governments to this Conservative one. 

The results are a cautionary tale.

As a start date, I used the date of the first confirmed covid case, March 18, 2020. As and end date, the last day of available, February 23, 2022. For implementation of vaccines, I used December 15, 2020, the day the first shipment arrived in Nova Scotia. For the change in governments, I used the date the Houston cabinet was installed, August 31, 2021. 

Days in office
Liberals: 531
Conservatives: 176

Days without vaccines
Liberals: 271
Conservatives: 0

Total covid deaths
Liberals: 94
Conservatives: 97

Total covid cases
Liberals: 6,030
Conservatives: 38,521*

Cases per day
Liberals: 11.3
Conservatives: 218.9

Deaths per day
Liberals: 0.18
Conservatives: 0.55

Highest deaths day
Liberals: 6
Conservatives: 9

Highest cases day
Liberals: 227
Conservatives: 1184

Tests performed on highest cases day
Liberals:  7744
Conservatives: 5803

Positivity rate of highest day
Liberals: 2.9%
Conservatives: 20.4%

The Liberal governments began the pandemic with the same ignorance of SARS-CoV-2 as the rest of the planet and were without vaccines for the majority of their time in office. Despite this, their Covid response was one of the best in the western world. The Conservatives, who had access to an extensive body of knowledge of the virus and were handed a highly vaccinated population, has had 19 times as many infections* and three times as many deaths.

The poor pandemic management of the Houston government is no outlier. It is reflective of conservative provincial governments across the country. Notably, the more populist the conservative government, the greater the number of infections and deaths. Demonstrated provincially by highest rate of infection per capita by Kenney #1, Moe #2, and Pallister/Stefanson #3.

The cautionary tale is this: vote for a government that cares whether you live or die. The life you save may be your own.

*The number of Covid infections during the fifth wave is significantly underreported as only positive PCR tests were counted—positive rapid test were not—and PCR testing was limited compared to previous waves. While not counted, rapid test availability was also limited during the fifth wave.

Do your job, journalists

It was with mounting frustration that I read the Chronicle Herald article 563 lawyers warn that COVID-19 mandates, protocols violate charter rights. In part, I was frustrated in part because I had just finished reading Nova Scotia’s health-care system in ‘dire straits’. A story of doctors and nurses pushed to the breaking point by COVID-19 and, in some cases, beyond, with nurses quitting in droves last fall and fears that the omicron wave may restart the exodus.

The surgeon interviewed said “we’re talking patients with orthopedic issues, and spine issues who are in debilitating pain, who can’t go to work, who can’t live a functional life, whose mental health is being affected by the fact that they can’t have their surgery.” 

Heart attack patients are being treated in hallways and, at times, up to 20 ambulances are waiting outside the hospital for offloading. Staffing shortages so dire, consideration is being given to allowing COVID-19 positive healthcare workers in the workplace.

“'Provincial authorities have said ‘that, quote, ‘work isolation is the last resort.’ But what does ‘the last resort’ mean?’ the surgeon asked. ‘I feel like we are at that last resort now, because we can barely provide basic medical care.’”

Mostly though, I was frustrated because the reporter who wrote the 563-lawyer article confused journalist with transcriptionist. Journalism is about finding things out. A quote attributed to journalism professor Jonathan Foster says: “If someone says it’s raining and another person says it’s dry, it’s not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out the [expletive] window and find out which is true.” 

A more elegant and old, but analogous quote from French philosopher, art critic, and writer Denis Diderot is: “All things must be examined, debated, investigated without exception and without regard for anyone's feelings.” 

We all know the hospital story is true. Each and every one of us is a part of the healthcare system, as a worker, or a patient, or as their friend or family. It is not a matter of if we will use the healthcare system, it is a matter of when we will use the healthcare system.

Just so, we will all need a lawyer at some point too. Let’s take a look at the lawyer article. Evidently there is a “chorus of lawyers, business people, and private citizens”, otherwise known as some people, who are unhappy with COVID-19 mandates. Of them, 683 live in Nova Scotia and wrote a letter to Minister Lohr calling for an end to the mandates. The article does not consider the remaining 999,317 people who live here that did not sign that letter. 

At this point, we enter the ivory tower. Bruce Wildsmith, constitutional law expert, said “my humble opinion is that Justin Trudeau’s father, as the father of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, would be rolling over in his grave.” We don't know if Wildsmith is speaking from first-hand knowledge of Pierre Trudeau, because the reporter doesn't ask him. Though I suspect that  the son of the man who invoked the War Measures Act and famously said “Just watch me” knows more than Wildsmith about what his father would do in response to a pandemic that has sickened millions and killed tens of thousands of Canadians. I would also wager that the number of Nova Scotians who would prefer a roadblock on the 104 over the unencumbered passage of goods and people has a similar ratio to Lohr’s letter.

Moving on to the True North Declaration, this is where the wheels of journalism come entirely off the bus. The declaration, which was quoted in part and unquestioned in its entirety, is littered with falsehoods and right-wing talking points. The source document may well have been a Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan podcast, but who knows? None of this was ever questioned by the reporter. According to the article, 563 lawyers signed the declaration, but once you click the signatories’ button on the declaration page, you’ll see that number drop to 420 lawyers, 419 if you don’t count the one in Germany. There are over 126,400 lawyers in Canada. Nearly 126,000 of them didn’t sign this letter.

Turns out there’s more than one nutty professor in Ontario. When looking towards the credibility of a person making claims, being a law professor definitely lends credence. On the flip side, take a look at the law professor’s twitter feed. It’s a nonstop tweet-circus of Freedom Truckers, conspiracy theorist Theo Fleury, Ivermectin praise, and far-right discredited news sites. The declaration warns of a “mass hysteria”, which isn’t incorrect, but it’s not as described in the declaration. It’s a mass hysteria of a privileged class of mostly white men who have been minorly inconvenienced throughout the pandemic who think that screaming “my charter rights” and "eliminate mandates" will somehow bring about the before COVID times.

Which brings me to the last fellow in this article. Former Newfoundland premier Brian Peckford signed on to a lawsuit in Federal Court that seeks to end the vaccine mandate for air travel. The reporter was able to dig up that Peckford is the last living signatory of the Charter of Rights and Freedom, a recent Trucker Freedom Prof tweet. No acknowledgement of Peckford endorsing anti-multiculturalist, anti-environment, anti-mandate, and all around loon Peoples Party of Canada leader Maxime Bernier for prime minister. It was right there on Peckford's Wikipedia page. There's a photo too. Anyone who cares about human rights and freedoms does not endorse an astrology-for-men libertarian who openly embraces white supremacists.

The pandemic has been hell, no question, but as the saying goes, when in hell, keep going. Nova Scotia’s COVID-19 response has been one of the best in Canada. It is a point of Bluenoser pride how well we’ve done. We’ve had a spike in new Nova Scotians who have moved here from other provinces during the pandemic, because of that response.

We are a resilient people. We will endure and we will see the end of this pandemic. We should not have to suffer through passive, information-silo reporting while we’re at it. It's a pandemic, not a thought exercise. Reporters, when you’re interviewing constitutional experts, real or alleged, who say they’re fighting for our freedom, dig in. Ask them what hardships they’ve personally endured throughout the pandemic. Have they been harassed and abused for enforcing mask mandates like teenage store clerks or did they have to wear a mask on the subway? Did their employer lie about a massive COVID-19 outbreak and knowingly put them in harm's way or were they unable to find three-ply toilet paper at the grocery store? Did they ride face down on a ventilator for a couple weeks or did they have to cancel a southern holiday? Did they say a final goodbye to a loved one via iPad or did they have to work from home and Zoom? Did they watch people die all week at work while antivaxxers raged at them through the windows or were they forced to celebrate their birthday at home with Skip the Dishes?

Above all else, ask them to defend their position. When someone says they want all restrictions lifted, ask them what their plan is to ensure all Canadians receive timely and equitable care when hospitals are overflowing with COVID-19 patients. How will they protect the elderly, the immune compromised, and the unvaccinated? What will they do to ensure that nurses and doctors don’t quit when the nonstop death and disease becomes unbearable? Make them say the hard parts out loud and write those words down, because that is the story. That is who they are and that is what people need to know to make informed decisions. That is your job. Do your job. 

Five phases of grieving

Having spent the week grieving, it occurred to me this time that grief has a pattern. 

This grief was from the loss of a much beloved dog. Two years ago it was a best friend and two years before that it was a sister. 

All of them died too young.

It's not the five stages of grief you've heard about. Those stages are for people who are dying, not the ones still living.

Phase 1 is waves of crushing pain. The waves are overwhelming and paralytic. Crying jag after crying jag. In the ebbs you try and function like the world hasn't ended. 

Everyone around you talks softly. 

Your head will ache. Your jaw will ache. Your eyes will burn and your eyelids will redden and swell.

If the death was related to an illness, there is also this feeling of relief that comes from not being scared for the worst case scenario anymore, because the worst thing has already happened. 

You will then feel guilty for feeling relief. 

If you were involved in care giving, the first time that care is no longer needed will result in a crying jag because you're no longer needed. 

If you wished that things were better so that you didn't have to provide that care, you'll feel guilty for that too.

You'll go to bed exhausted and sleep poorly in this phase. You'll start crying before you even get your eyes open every time you wake.

Sympathy from people who care feels like taking a stake to the heart.

If the death was unexpected, phase 1 will be extra long.

Phase 2 is when doubt and second guessing comes into play. 

Did you really do all you could? 

Did you miss signs that now seem so clearly and glaringly evident in the aftermath?

If you were a decision maker leading up to the dying, you will replay those decisions over and over again. 

If I had only noticed this...

If I had just pushed harder for...

If I...

Those "ifs" bang up against the cold reality that your window to change anything has closed for good. 

The worst has already happened and you can't do anything about it now.

Regardless of your actual input into the situation, you will feel like a failure.

Crying jags continue to occur, but less often.

Phase 3 is when you're able to wake up without crying for days in a row. 

You profoundly miss your lost love one, but you're able to handle a conversation about them without severe mental distress and crying.

You've not necessarily accepted how they've passed, nor your role in it, but you are resolute in the fact that it can't be changed. 

You've accepted that their death is forever.

You're still incredibly sad and the tears are right there, just waiting for a memory or a word or an act to burst forth.

Phase 4 is when you've returned to what would be considered regular life. You're back to work and social situations (at least the ones you feel like participating in). You are able to shelve your grief for hours or days at a time.

It's still there though, and it creeps out from time to time. A funny story you are recounting is interrupted by a catch in your throat. Then your eyes start to leak. Suddenly your funny story isn't funny anymore and you wish you never started talking.

If you're lucky, you're around people who know and understand. Regardless, you still feel uncomfortable.

Phase 5 takes a long damned time. It's when you can look upon the lost one with love and affection and joy for them being a part of your life. You are largely at ease when speaking of them in past tense. 

The hurt of losing them, of missing them, hasn't left you, but the peace you've made with their death means it's no longer a source of daily pain and distress.

You know that your life was made better for knowing them, you just really wish you could still talk to them now and then.

As far as I've experienced, there is no phase 6. You just get really good at phase 5. 

As life goes on, you'll go through 1 to 5 often enough that you'll recognize the stages too. It'll give you a cumulative feeling of sorrow for all the loved ones lost and perspective that you will get through this one too, once you've gotten through the worst phases 1 and 2.

F*cking Baby it's Cold Outside

At the frontline of the 2018 War on Christmas is the song Baby it’s Cold Outside. It’s a tune I somehow managed to go without knowing for nearly 44 years. It could have been there all along playing in the background in malls, but much like Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, I try to deaden my ears to the sound, because if I do end up in hell, it’ll be playing on a loop while I burn for all of eternity. Plenty of time to reflect on it then.

However, I was one of the performers at a music recital a few weekends ago and, as this was one of the songs performed, I gave it my full attention. Now let me tell you, the first instance of this song does not fall gently on the ears of a middle-aged feminist. It sounds exactly like a young woman is storm-stayed at the home of some randy fucking asshole who’s not listening to a word she’s saying. 

“How bloody old is this song?” I asked when it was over.

“Very old,” was the answer.

Now I like all kinds of offensive and politically incorrect things, especially music. Everything from opera (lots of people hate it, some at a visceral level, and it almost never ends well for the woman) to Rodney Carrington. Remember that song Show them to Me? Fucking hilarious.

But here’s the deal, I don’t expect to hear a song about flashing your tits anymore than I expect to hear Carmen getting shanked in the finale when I’m buying groceries at Sobeys. Likewise, as I’m pushing my cart through the aisles of Costco, I don’t expect to hear about some chick politely trying to stop a guy from humping her leg in a song tarted up in the guise of a Christmas carol.

For everyone who has or will screech it’s all about context. I hear you. The song was a product of the time! Women were “ladies” back then and social conventions of the time forbade them from admitting they wanted sex. They had to pretend they didn’t want it, even if they did.

Because no-means-yes has never gone wrong for any fucking woman ever. We should totally hold on to that nugget of cultural nostalgia. 

“It was written in innocence,” is another popular one. Now this has got to be the most ignorant context-related defence I’ve heard of this song. You’re telling me a song written by a professional lyricist in his mid 30s to be performed at Hollywood Christmas parties is the picture of fucking innocence and the celebrity homes of an industry that literally spawned the casting couch a couple decades prior were veritable dens of propriety. 

It’s a wink-wink, nudge-nudge song about hooking up in a snowstorm, which would have been delightfully well received by its worldly audience. The songwriter’s wife said “We got invited to all the best parties for years on the basis of 'Baby.' It was our ticket to caviar and truffles.” 

Awwww. Caviar, truffles, and career building. Gets you right in the holiday feels, doesn’t it?

Another good one is “he’s not drugging her, the ‘what’s in this drink’ is a reference to a joke in a 1930s movie”. Of course it is. Who wouldn’t know that? It’s not like everyone who laughed at that joke is dead. 

Oh wait, they are dead.

“Rap music is offensive and nobody is trying to stop that.” Well rap isn’t blaring out of the P.A. system at Walmart when you’re buying fucking tinsel now is it? It’s not blasting out of your car stereo either, because we all have choices when it comes to the music we listen to. Except when it comes to a tiny subset of songs played ad nauseam in public spaces once a year.  

The rap comment is inevitably followed by comments about performers wearing their pants too low. Which is apparently perceivable by Christmas warriors through the medium of fucking radio. This makes sense given they also see a war on Christmas when you can shop for Halloween and Christmas at the same time every fucking where every fucking year. 

It’s about context, context, context! Really, the only people screaming louder about context are Jordan Peterson fans. I assure you, Christmas warriors, this is not a mirror you want to hold yourself up too. Aside from being a misogynistic asshole, Peterson’s such a profoundly broken individual he can’t even handle the diversity of more than one food group. Also, given you’re championing a song about casual sex, it’s a little sad for the Peterson fans since they're not getting any, but I’m sure they really love the song.

Because here’s the deal about context. It’s a song. There is no context except the one the song presents in the mind of the listener. The DJs aren’t leading in with “in 1934, this alcohol joke was all the rage!” If you know the context of the song and you like it, you’ll be fine with it. If you don’t, it can turn into what in the hell did I just listen to? Did he really say “don’t hurt my pride?” WTF?

You can put something in context and, when needed, alter it to fit the times or you can let it become a piece of history. The Little Mermaid doesn’t vaporize into air anymore. Rapunzel isn’t knocked up, and Cinderella's bitchy step-sisters don’t hack off bits of toes and heels to fit into a glass slipper. We catch a tiger by the toe now and I will never forget that day in elementary school when an no-bake oatmeal chocolate cookie was renamed a “chocolate haystack”.

Disney would just as soon you forgot they ever made a movie called Song of the South. 

I assure you no publishing house is reprinting the first Agatha Christie book I read, which was based on a song, under its first edition title. Nor do recommend sitting down a pack of youngsters to watch Old Yeller. 

The Little Match Girl is no longer a good bedtime story. 

I have seen zero, zip, nada, posts by people on Facebook about how Baby it’s Cold Outside is offensive. I’ve seen dozens and dozens of posts about people offended by the fact that other people find it offensive. Seriously, you’re all behaving like someone called your baby ugly. We don’t all have to like the same things. If you like a song that in its historical context may not sound like a date from hell, fucking download it! Listen to it! Play it on fucking repeat till Easter! Just don’t expect everyone press ganged into listening to Christmas playlists in public spaces to feel the same way.

As a final shot across the bow on the War of Christmas 2018, I’m not sure if many of its staunch supporters have ever listened to the lyrics, because here is the real kicker -- it doesn’t have so much as a sniff of Christmas in it. No Jesus, no Santa, no boughs of holly, no star of Bethlehem, no stockings hung with care, no angels on high, no wise men, no reindeer, no trimming of Christmas trees, and no fucking presents. I know, because back at that music recital, after watching two young vocalists perform this song (a squirm-fest and a fucking half), this bitchy old feminist offered to write them new lyrics and, in the process of rewriting it, now know the song to a syllabic level. See below for parody version. 

PS: For those who trotted out the “rap music is offensive” defence, maybe you just need a little context. ;-)

Baby it's Cold Outside #2018

I really can't stay (Baby it's cold outside)
I gotta go away (Baby it's cold outside)

This evening has been (Been hoping that you'd drop in)
Rolling the dice (I'll hold your hands they're just like ice)

Is this where I start to worry? (Beautiful what's your hurry?)
It’s time for me to head for the door (Listen to the fireplace roar)

No really I'd better scurry (Beautiful please don't hurry)
Fine, maybe just a half a drink more (I'll put some records on while I pour)

The neighbours might think (Baby it's bad out there)
Did you roofie my drink? (No cabs to be had out there)

I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To cast a spell (I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell) 

I am saying, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
Everyone will know that I tried (what's the sense in hurtin' my pride?)

You’re not getting laid (oh baby don't hold out)
But baby, it's cold outside

Ah, you're kinda rapey you know?
I like to think of it as opportunistic

Your company blows (Baby it's cold outside)
The answer is no (But baby it's cold outside)

The welcome has been (How lucky that you dropped in)
Like a bee swarm  (Look out the window at that storm)

My sisters will be suspicious (Gosh your lips look delicious!)
Don’t treat women like we're property that’s yours (Waves upon a tropical shore)

I’m about to become vicious (Gosh your lips are delicious!)
I will hammer your ass to the floor (Never such a blizzard before) 

I've got to get home (Baby you'll freeze out there)
Give me my coat. (It's up to your knees out there!)

You're a walking gland (I feel when I touch your hand)
Dude, Bill Cosby! (How can you do this thing to me?)

There's gonna be talk tomorrow (Think of my lifelong sorrow!)
And not one single bit will be implied (If you caught pneumonia and died!)

I'm not your prey (Get over that old out)
Weinstein’s going away (Who cares what you say)

Everybody! (Everybody?)
Yes, just ask Gomeshi

Give me my coat! (I’ll see you out)
Baby it's cold
Baby it's cold outside